In my experience the medical profession falls into 2 camps; those who have the greatest respect for potential risk and wouldn’t be out of place in the accountancy or legal profession and those who think Bear Grylls could do with toughening up a bit. The trick is to be able to cotton on pretty quickly which one you are dealing with and ratchet up or down their advice accordingly. It’s worth emphasising though you need to listen very carefully as whilst these excellent people can pull off a practical joke with the best of us, they do come out with some jolly sensible advice from time to time.
I am keeping a running list for my own amusement, but here are a few I have collected so far.
This might hurt a tiny bit
The last patient bit through his tongue
It’s only a quick 10 minute or so procedure
You’ll be lucky to get out of this hospital the same day
You look really well!
Haven’t I done well!
You shouldn’t suffer too many side effects
You’ll be back in here pleading for your life in 3 days!
You’re having a panic attack. Calm down dear!
The anti sickness injections have reacted with each other. I need to knock you out with a weeks’ dose of valium
You’re a bit poorly
Cancel all engagements for the rest of the year
It’s ‘possible, possible we can reverse this one day’
Don’t sue me
See you on the other side (yes really! on checking out of the hospital)
When I bump into you in the oncologist’s office (which unbeknown to me was on the other side of the ward!)
and a recent edition today from Rebecca:
You have a grossly normal colon (dictionary definition of gross is unattractively large or bloaded, offensive, lacking sensitivity, unrefined, repulsive)
Heaven knows how they described my abnormal one!