I’ve been obsessing over it coming across as either self pitying or sentimental. So instead I am aiming for the written equivalent of a big man hug; a sort of “I love you, but don’t go thinking I am going soft, so I am just going to give you a couple of firm pats on your back”.
I should also apologise for turning up in your inbox or twitter feed unannounced just when you were no doubt expecting the usual light hearted drivel you have come to expect from me recently on twitter and facebook. Or in person.
So having gone round the houses enough now to make even Kirsty Allsop dizzy, here it is;
The cancer is back. The pain in my bum didn’t turn out to be cancer. We are still not sure what that is (no wisecracks please). But the dull ache in my right hand side and my shoulders is. No, the sly old fox didn’t naff off as it had promised. It hid or waited until my life was getting pretty near perfect again and it came back. This time, again in my Liver.
I have rehearsed this day enough times to reduce the shock impact, but I wasn’t ready for the huge sense of disappointment of having done everything I could do (with my Dad’s constant supplies of pills, wheatgrass, juice, vitamin D, acupuncture and exercise) to stop this and yet, here we are again facing more chemotherapy and operations. We are back to the joy of CTs, MRIs and PET scans, endless needles, re-insertion of USB ports (portacath), and conversations with men who spend their daylight hours cutting bits out of your body. I shudder to think what they get up to during the night…
Meanwhile life goes on. Although right now as I am pretty sure none of my Zumba teacher’s problems and mine actually overlap, I want to avoid getting all angsty with you.. so I have taken the liberty of suggesting a few simple pointers on how we are going to deal with all this;
- Lots of calm practical help and plenty of belly laughs please
- No floppy necks or looks of panic, or stories of friends who had xyz flavour of cancer and died
- No claims of obscure American yak urine cures please (but plenty of good new research is always welcome)
- Offers of very small treats to tempt me out of my chemo cloud during the week I will come back to life
- And most importantly of all, loads and loads of love and patience for my children, family and friends
And as I am in marketing and every marketer knows that you can only really load people with 3 messages at a time, if you take nothing else out from this post please remember this:
- I have complete faith this can be beaten again
- Hurt my children and I will hunt you down
- And now these three remain; faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love
I am ridiculously lucky to have so much love, but I know that however nasty this treatment will be, I would still much rather go through this myself than watch the one I love suffer, so spread out your lovely arms wider than me please.
In amongst the lows, I have had and will continue to have the most incredible highs. I have a new man, John. He turned up totally unexpected a short while ago and is the kindest, strongest and most loving man I have ever had the pleasure of going out with. Somehow he has taken each and every knock I have thrown his way these past couple of months, culminating with this humdinger with the best grace, humour and fortitude. And despite me warning him that my hair will go grey and possibly fall out, my normal bubbly personality will ‘go off’ 2 weeks out of every 3, our social life will be limited to days when my white blood cells look lively enough, and the steroids will kindly add some nice extra padding again…he is digging in for the duration. I reckon we are going to do just fine.
Now I am betting you are now chomping at the bit for a plan and those of you who know me well, know this isn’t my strong point, but I will fill you in once I have more answers from my medical menagerie.
In the meantime, have a nice strong cuppa, talk about me if you like, but in normal voices please and what-ever you do, don’t panic! I appreciate ALL your lovely messages of support, but may not be able to reply to all whilst I get my head around the deluge of information.
Much love as ever x